How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Magnum PI]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!
'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[layback40]

Originally Posted by cruiserlux

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

Here's the source for that. There are 500 similar reviews.

Amazon

 

Amazon

Quote:
Syrian secret police
'Most prisoners confessed within five minutes'


Quote:
"Foxhole1971"

As a reformed member of the Vietcong and survivor of numerous F4 Phantom Napalm strikes, I can say with confidence that the Yanks used the wrong ingredients for their incendiary devices.

I applied a small dab of this product onto my gentleman's sphericals and the searing pain was immediate, intense and will cause me flashbacks for the rest of my life. My poor swollen glands now have a blue hue and I fear they will never recover.


Quote:
Lee

Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca's armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan's own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.

[layback40]

A wee giggle for ye!




A woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin & raised her right arm,

revealing a huge, hairy armpit, and she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar an owl-eyed

drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit,

and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want

to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied: 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[layback40]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
> > He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
> > of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
> > her, a peanut fell in his ear.
> >
> > He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
> > deeper.
> > He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
> > worried and decided to go to the hospital.
> > As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
> > date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
> > could get the peanut out.
> >
> > The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
> > fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
> > blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
> >
> > The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
> > that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and
> > said, "that's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
> > to be when he grows older?"
> > The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[layback40]

(How smart R U?)
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?





Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 2100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
Imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
Expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
Done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
Sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

[layback40]

In the workplace

Dear employees,



Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).



Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.



Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.



Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.



Sincerely,

The Management

[layback40]

Baby's first doctor visit
>>
>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,waiting for the
>>>doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>>>
>>>The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
>>>little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>>>
>>>'Breast-fed,' she replied.
>>>
>>>'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
>>>
>>>She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
>>>for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>>>
>>>Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
>>>
>>>'No wonder this baby is underweight.
>>>
>>>You don't have any milk.'
>>>
>>>I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
>>>
>>>But I'm glad I came.'