How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[layback40]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."

[layback40]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

[layback40]

Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!!!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?

Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..

[layback40]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought ‘well that’s a little condescending.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure but the flag is a big plus.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Q: Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible? A: In the big inning.

Q: What's the best way to call a mean gorilla? A: Long Distance.

Q: What do you get when you cross a wolf with a ceramicist? A: A hairy potter.

Q: What does the gorilla call his girlfriend? A: His prime mate.



One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalogue and admiring all the beautiful models.

Ole said to Sven "Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalogue?"

Sven replied "Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!"

Ole looked wide eyed and said "Wow, they ain't very expensive. At dees prices I'm buyin' me vun."

Sven smiled patted Ole on the back and said "by golly Ole if she's as perdy as she looks in da catalogue I vill get vun too."

Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole "did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalogue?"

Ole replied "no, but it won’t be long now her clothes came yesterday!"



Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $3500 on a single hand clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks "Oh me boys someone’s got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares "Your husband just lost $3500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.



A man was driving down the road and ran out of fuel. Just at that moment a bee flew in his window.

The bee said 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of fuel’ the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into the fuel tank. After a few minutes the bees flew out.

'Try it now' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed 'what did you put in there’?

The bee answered "BP!"



Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A: A headbanger!

Q: Why don't chickens play sports? A: Because they hit fowl balls.

Q: What do you call a big Irish spider? A: Paddy long legs!

Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A: A steak out.

Q: What do bees chew? A: Bumble gum.

Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot.

[layback40]

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's a**?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's a**."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[layback40]

I got Sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.

Ungrateful Bastards.

All I said was,

"Hurry up, for fucks sake, some of us, have got Homes to go to".