How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches
long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied
around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a
while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a
string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

[ohmygrodd]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic .........
EIOIE



Baahhhaaaahaha an oldie but it cracks me up every time

[layback40]

5 OLDER LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
Two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.."

[layback40]

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife,
“Where is the rake?"



She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside,

and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"



She replies: Scroll on - it is worth it, I promise!



"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

[layback40]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell
did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married..."

[layback40]

FORGOT MY GLASSES......


Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn't do something useful with
my time. Talking about
my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.


She said that she was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down
to the senior center, and
hang out with the other old guys. I did this. When I got home last night,
I decided to teach her a lesson
about staying out of my business.

I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 76 years old, and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card.

She looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is
a membership to a Prostitute
Club, not a Parachute Club."

I told her, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week."

My daugthter was speechless.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can
really be fun!

[layback40]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and--
lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him
and told him so.


Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I go sometimes?'



'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges
against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'