How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business,
When the gorgeous woman next to him started
To breastfeed her baby.
Inline image 3

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on,
Eat it all up or ... I'll have
To give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
So she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice
Man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man
Blurted out,
"Come on, kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[layback40]

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a w*nk in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had s*x for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the f*cking mop out again!!"

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your f*cking next!!"

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her v*gina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"F*cking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".

Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"F*ck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!!"

. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank




The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"


Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"


Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.


Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"

[anthonygubbin]

A woman answered a knock at her door and there was a man standing on her doorstep and he said to her "Do you have a vagina?" the woman was so shocked she slammed the door in his face.
The next night again she opened the door and the same man said to her "Do you have a vagina?" again she slammed the door in his face without answering him.
That night she told her husband what had happened and he said that he would stay home the next day and if he turned up again he would hide behind her and when he asked the question, she was to say yes she did have a vagina and why does he want to know.
Sure enough the next day there was a knock at the door so the woman's husband hid behind her as she opened the door. The same man was at the door and he again said "Do you have a vagina?" The woman feeling confident as her husband was hiding behind her, answered "Yes I certainly do and why do you want to know??" to which the man replied "Well can you ask your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone"


Regards A

[layback40]

Havent seen it before AG !!

[layback40]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

[layback40]

Three Hillbillies are sittin on a porch shootin' the breeze....
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

[bruggz351]

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.