How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

FELINE PHYSICS LAWS

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

[BundyJeep65]

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.



SO - REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind...

[layback40]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
> One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
> Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
> cows today.
> I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You
> show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
> So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the
> artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
> Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
> when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
> Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
> ditzy blonde, the man asks,
> 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's
> simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
> Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and
> with complete confidence, says, ..........
> 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[layback40]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain..."

The moment turned awkward. women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

[bruggz351]

Burned Blonde

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned.
"Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?"
"I tried to call for an ambulance."

[bruggz351]

Lemon Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time-but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living.
Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

"I work for the Tax Office."

[WhiteMeat]

Originally Posted by bruggz351

Lemon Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time-but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living.
Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

"I work for the Tax Office."

lol just read this on a hunting forum i frequent :P

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman 'Give me a triple whisky mate'.
As the barman hands him the triple whisky, the man says 'You know, I really shouldn't be having this with what I've got'.
'Oh yeah?' says the barman, 'What have you got?'
'Twenty cents' says the man.