How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

NOT FOR ANYONE WHO IS PC.
Men fight back
1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be open when she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundrette a bad place to pick up women?
A. Any woman who can't afford a washing machine probably can't afford to keep you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. it's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. She starts her sentence with " A man once told me".
5. How do you fix a womans watch?
A. You don't. There's one on the cooker.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. The dog will shut up once you let it in.
8. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A women who won't do as she's told.
9. I married a Miss right.
A I just didn't realise her first name was 'Always'
10. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90%.
A. It's called wedding cake.
11. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Because they want to.
12. Why will women never be equal to men?
A. Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly and think they're still sexy.
In the beginning God created Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then neither man nor God has rested.

[layback40]

When I was in the pub last-night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing is it?.

[layback40]

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison. “There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran.

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray.



It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging Baby Boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. (or should that be The Commodes?)

Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Did you know?

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze solid.

[layback40]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

[layback40]

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[layback40]

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

[layback40]

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"













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