How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right fucking here beside me when I fucking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a fucking train going around the fucking tree, and when I go outside I want to see a fucking bike leaning up against the fucking garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a fucking dog but I can"t find the bastard.😂

[layback40]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" says the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?" the bartender says. "You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." says the pirate.

"Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asks the bartender.

"We were in another battle." replies the pirate. "I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, but I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Then the bartender asks, "So, what about that eye patch?"

The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding" says the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."



TRIVIA—

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

All polar bears are left handed.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.



Subject: Beauty of Mathematics!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9

12 x 8 + 2 = 98

123 x 8 + 3 = 987

1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876

12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765

123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654

1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543

12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432

123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321



1 x 9 + 2 = 11

12 x 9 + 3 = 111

123 x 9 + 4 = 1111

1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111

12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111

123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111

1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111

12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111

123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1

11 x 11 = 121

111 x 111 = 12321

1111 x 1111 = 1234321

11111 x 11111 = 123454321

111111 x 111111 = 12345654321

1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321

11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321

111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

[layback40]

Tom and Tim, both gay, were traveling on a plane.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Tom.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it," said Tim.
"Nobody is paying attention to anything. Watch this."
Tom stands up and asks loudly, "Could I please have a magazine?"
Nobody looks at him. Everyone is sleeping, reading or looking out the window.
"They really wouldn't notice then, would they?" said Tim.
So Tom and Tim have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives at the airport and the people are leaving, the flight attendant sees an old man who puked all over his shirt and pants.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispered the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a magazine and he got fucked in the ass..."😂

[layback40]

Retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...." "See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day"😜

[layback40]

My Girlfriend`s just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I shit myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open!!..

[layback40]

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour.
"Fuck off you bastard!" She screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!!!

[layback40]

Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.' That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.😂