How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to cl ean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shoot ing truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

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A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama. ------ Moral: Never lie to your Mama

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Mary', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

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AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE

Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead
Backwards: Driver Returns On Foot
Fawked Over Rebuilt Dodge
Fawked On Race Day
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM

General Maintenance
Government Motors

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

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Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on my window. I roll down the window and ask, “What’s going on?”

He says “Terrorists have kidnapped Julia Gillard and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse her in gasoline and set her on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” I ask.

The man replies, “About 4 ltrs.”

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YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-The farm was used to produce produce.
-The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
-We must polish the Polish furniture.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out.
-The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
-Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
-A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
-When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
-I did not object to the object.
-The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
-There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...
-They were too close to the door to close it.
-The buck does funny things when the does are present.
-A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
-To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
-The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
-Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
-I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
-How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
__________________

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At some point in a guy's life.... it comes down to this.


Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.