How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we
started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.

'Oh, sh!t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f#ck!ng Coco Pops'

[layback40]

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives up north. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[layback40]

A British couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.


She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bathtub in front of the fire.


"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.


The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.


After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.


She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.


She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.


He didn't believe her, so she said:


"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."


So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:


"Do you shave?"


"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"


"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department......very generously indeed.


The girl finished her bath and went to bed.


Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him,


"Did you see it?"


"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."


"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

[layback40]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!


WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:

Of course I do.


WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:
- silence - -


HUSBAND:
F **k....

[RED_TJ]

A women was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll take a Construction Monkey, please'. The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man saying, 'That'll be $5,000.' The man paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?
'The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel and equipment and run pipe. All with no back chat or complaints. He's well worth the money.'
The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?'

'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper, 'That's a Project Field Engineer, he can read drawings, answer RFI's, make As-built's and inspect quality. A very useful monkey indeed.'
The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag.
The shocked woman exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?'
'Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer, play with his d*ck and p*ss everybody off. But his papers say he's a Safety Advisor.'

[RED_TJ]

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “******** me, doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”

[RED_TJ]

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can ******** off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”