How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Abraxix]

so I went and did the funniest thing...

I brought a....

2004 Nissan Patrol GU IV 3.0L Turbo Diesel Auto

[layback40]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant..."You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to George in the back of the courtroom.
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
George stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

[layback40]

“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

[layback40]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the********IN SALT TRUCK!"

[layback40]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[layback40]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly with a swagger, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope' she said.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different Now?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'Do you know why it's hanging down?'
'Nope', she replied.
'It's hanging down cause it's looking at my new boots!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'I really wish you would have bought a ********ing hat then!!..

[layback40]

The wife made me watch a film last night that was a real tearjerker.
It was about a happy young man, full of promise who has his freedom brutally taken away and he is put under a strict regime where he has little contact with the outside world, let alone his friends. I've seen it before,a but it set's me off crying every time, much to my wife's annoyance.
Stupid ********ing wedding video!!..