How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Banshee]

How to give your cat a pill

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.


6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.


16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.


17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).


18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.


19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.


20. Arrange for RSPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.

[RED_TJ]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Magnum PI]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse

[RED_TJ]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

[taskmaster]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR
Please excuse the language but this is well worth reading
Ain't this the truth?

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade)
Immigration Minister. The Commonwealth Government tried desperately to censure
The author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it were highly amused

Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that
I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income
Tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the
Last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms
I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years
Since 1966.

Also... Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
Name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fu<€ing astounded
If that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide??

I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me,
I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask
Me for my fu<€ing address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a
Gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture... Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even
Grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new
Granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please
Tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next
15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep
Or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another
********ing copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of
Accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the
Services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same
Day??
Nooooo.. That 'd be too fu<€ing easy and makes far too much sense. You would much
Prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fu<€ing heads cut off,
And then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the
Goddamn photo! You know the photo... The one where we're not allowed to smile?! ....
You fu<€ing morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before
1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the
Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to
Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the
President of the RSL.. And Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each
Year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; You
know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FU<€ING
PAKISTAN!!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and
are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government".

You are all fu<€ing idiots!

[bruggz351]

^^ I love this ^^

[layback40]

World’s Best Definition of Political Correctness.

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s h i t by the clean end."