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  #7966  
Old 06-03-2018
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> A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
>
> “Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.
>
> “No, they went to town.”
>
> “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
>
> “No, he went with Mum and Dad.”
>
> The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
>
> “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” said the boy.
>
> “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
>
> The boy thought for a moment…
>
> “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
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  #7967  
Old 07-03-2018
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”


It's always better to get a second opinion.
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  #7968  
Old 08-03-2018
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A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm frickin STARVING!"
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  #7969  
Old 09-03-2018
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I just watched a show where Jamie Oliver said that I shouldn't be afraid to buy things from the 'reduced price' shelf as I can make a family meal from what I find there.

I just hope the kids like their shoelace, WD40 and cat food casserole.

I do hope this doesn't offend anyone who cooks,shops or likes Jamie..
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  #7970  
Old 09-03-2018
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Smartphone by Rob Hughes

When you invited me to meet you for a meal and a chat

I thought it was a great idea, a chance to chew the fat.

It’s been a while since last we talked; it’s such a busy life,

I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to, are you keeping out of strife?



I saw you as I entered; you hadn’t changed a bit,

We smiled as I drew closer and then found a place to sit.

A waiter took our order; we were eating ‘a la carte’,

We had so much to talk about, I wondered where to start.



I was thinking up some questions that would help me break the ice,

When you reached into your pocket and pulled out this strange device.

It was small and black and shiny with a silvery looking face,

And I thought it might be some new kind of medication case.



But as I watched, you poked it then you stroked it with such care,

With the reverence one might offer to a book of common prayer.

The tiny widget was protected with a folding leather cover,

And you gazed at it so tenderly as if it were your lover.



You fondled it so softly that I had this strange sensation

That your gadget might be offering some kind of titillation.

You smiled, your features softened, I thought that you might fall asleep,

But the reverie was broken when the thing let out a BEEP.



That sure got your attention and your finger moves were swift,

You’d forgotten me entirely, and oh brother, was I miffed!

I coughed, and arched my eyebrows, made some rattles with my cup

But that machine was still your focus. I was totally fed up.



When the waiter brought our food, I saw you lay the gadget down,

Perhaps we’d start to talk now, but my smile became a frown

Because the thing had started vibrating: bzzz, bzzz, bzzz it went.

To prevent our conversation was its clandestine intent.



That brought me to my limit, and with patience at an end,

I decided that I’d leave and you’d no longer be my friend.

You didn’t even notice that I’d left you on your own,

Because your universe revolves around that sleek black mobile phone.

© 2015 Rob Hughes



Bubba and Clyde are filling up at a petrol station and Bubba says to Clyde "I bet fuel prices are going to go even higher."

Clyde replies "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."



One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was ironing your suit and I burned a

big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I

used them to patch the hole."



Bubba and Clyde were walking down the road and Clyde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

Bubba covers one eye and says, "Where?"



Maisie decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that Buffy from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

“Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So, Maisie bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two

rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."



The executive was interviewing a young recruit for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about their personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

The quick response, "The living one."
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  #7971  
Old 09-03-2018
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Today's funny...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!"

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Parliament."
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  #7972  
Old 13-03-2018
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Default Pretzel

Pretzel

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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  #7973  
Old 16-03-2018
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
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  #7974  
Old 16-03-2018
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a car payment.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 70 kilos I've gained since then.

Maccas has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Maccas and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a dressing gown before you start looking like a mental patient

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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