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  #6861  
Old 09-10-2016
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Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk blurts out, "You've worn a bit since this photo was taken."
"You're dead right love!" I replied. "I had it taken just before I joined your fucking queue."
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  #6862  
Old 09-10-2016
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Got fired today. First day on the job as a masseur. Apparently, the instructions to 'finish on her face' didn't mean what I thought it meant.
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  #6863  
Old 09-10-2016
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Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese and pineapple.
Police believe he may have topped himself.
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  #6864  
Old 09-10-2016
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A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another e*ection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"......
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  #6865  
Old 09-10-2016
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My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
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  #6866  
Old 10-10-2016
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.
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  #6867  
Old 10-10-2016
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A man riding his tandem was stopped by the police.
The policeman said, 'sir, do you realise your wife fell off the back of the bike about a mile back?
The man replied, 'thank fuck for that, I thought I had gone deaf.'
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