How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.
"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and have to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.
"Because of the recession?" I asked.
"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and been made to get a fuckin job."..

[layback40]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the better sex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I slept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.

[layback40]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

[layback40]

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his p*nis and the other one had a green ring.
The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

[layback40]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my privates.
Then you loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe.”

[layback40]

King and Queen potato were discussing suitors for their daughter, Princess potato. Princess potato comes to them and says, “Mum, dad, I’ve found someone and I’m in love!” The King and Queen were surprised but excited. “Who is it, daughter?” asked Queen potato. “Dennis Cometti,” she gushed. “Dennis Cometti?” King potato, sniffed derisively. ‘But he’s just a commentator!”

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.



"I know the US have won 31 gold medals but that's only one per 20 million of population. Australia has won seven and according to the 2016 Census that's one each!"

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night staggers up the aisle and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"



"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Hopping around in freezing weather knowing you have a pocket but your hands are too short to put them in it."



The guys down at the barber shop asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I'd like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I thought for a minute and said "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."



A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown when she said "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good Samaritan replied "Just a minute." He walked across the street looked back and yelled "Yes I can see you fine!"



I was at the customer-service desk returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes" I said. "They hurt my feelings."

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-comings they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things not at all like the glaring defects in other people's characters."

[layback40]

I walked into a library and asked for a book on , kinky, dwarf sex.
The librarian says; "How could you stoop so fucking low?"
I replied "Yes, that's the one I'm after."