How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I went into my local Chinese takeaway last night and got talking to the owner of the shop.

'What you do for a riving, then?', he said.

'What do I do for a living, you mean?'

'Yes..'

'I'm a comedian', I replied.

'Go on then, change colour', he chuckled.

'No! I'm not a fucking chameleon, I'm a comedian'

'Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff', he said.

Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it.

'Wok! Wok!', I shouted.

'Who's dare..', he said.

Fuck this, I thought.

I'm off to the Indian.

[layback40]

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right ******** on the bus this morning...

[layback40]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian named "Little Feather" came along on horseback and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse, and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes Little Feather would let out a "Yeeee-haaaa!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yeeee-haaaa!" and rode off.

"What on earth did you say to Little Feather to get him so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

The attendant laughed and shook his head. "Lady," he said, "Little Feather doesn't use a saddle!"

[layback40]

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious

[layback40]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

[layback40]

Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him*. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:
370HSSV 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. *No one could solve it at FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked the Jamaican secret service based in Lucia for help*. Within minutes, they cabled this reply: *"Tell Mr Trump that he is holding di ting upside down."

[layback40]

Hillary Clinton goes t o a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about
the world. After her talk she offers question time.
================================================== =======
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says
And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

I have three questions," he says.

"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
And, 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary
of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a
question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
4th -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?"
And 5th -- where's Kenneth?"...