How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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A lawyer and a Pensioner are sat next to eachother on a plane The lawyer believing that pensioners are senile decided he could make a bit money The Lawyer asks if the pensioner would like to "Play a Game" The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so declines. The lawyer persists, saying, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me FIVE POUNDS Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS This catches the pensioner's attention - And naturally he obliges. The lawyer asks the first question... "What's the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The Pensioner simply hands over Five Pounds! The pensioner's in turn asks the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with 5 legs, and comes down with 495?" The lawyer searches all references on the Net... He sends E-mails to all his Smart Friends ... All to no avail. After an hour he finally gives up - wakes the pensioner and pays Five Hundred Pounds! The pensioner pockets the money and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts. He needs to know the answer. So he wakes the pensioner and asks... "Well, what goes up a hill with 5 legs and comes down with 495?" The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer Five Pounds, and goes back to sleep!

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I didn't think I'd get any money from the bank to set up a new knitwear business but when I turned up modeling one of our balaclavas they were very obliging.

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A little old lady walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it right here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's just no way you could win that bet!" The little old lady just shook the bag and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?"

"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it." See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!"

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset... sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!"

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A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint.

He runs up the Giraffe and says, “Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!”

The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke.

The Rabbit says, “Oh, Elephant you really shouldn’t do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you.”

The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin.

The Rabbit runs up to him and says, “Hey, Bear, you shouldn’t do that, think of your health. You’d be better of running in the woods with us.”

The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer.

The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, “Hey Tiger, you really shouldn’t d that.” and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living shit out of the Rabbit.

The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, “What the hell are you doing, man?”

The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, “Ah, that little ********er really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he’s on ECSTACY.

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There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

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An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, "Fujifoo! Fugifoo!" The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted "Fujifoo!" One of the Japanese men looked at him with a very confused look on his face and said, "No, you got the right hole."

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I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.
'Light brown like everyone else' I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be !