How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The old lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

[layback40]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[layback40]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new
apartment to a couple friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment...
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You *******! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

[Abraxix]

Originally Posted by layback40

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new
apartment to a couple friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment...
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You *******! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

layback!!!! this has to be the best joke i've read in about the last 5-7 pages!!! makign me laugh can't wait to re-forward to my boss he's gonna love it

[layback40]

Originally Posted by Abraxix

layback!!!! this has to be the best joke i've read in about the last 5-7 pages!!! makign me laugh can't wait to re-forward to my boss he's gonna love it

I feel sorry for you !!
its not as though you are paying for the privilege of reading them. Every one is different. Others like different jokes. i just post some of what friends send to me.

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannie and Grandad is?

A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her school daily by her Grandfather. But, when he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!"

[Abraxix]

Originally Posted by layback40

I feel sorry for you !!
its not as though you are paying for the privilege of reading them. Every one is different. Others like different jokes. i just post some of what friends send to me.
!"

meant it as a good thing. lol they all make ma laugh and smile and then some just leave me hangign my head shaking - i'm an amazing PUN joke lover, dad jokes are by far the funniest... hands down.
that one specifically i mean is just a CRACKER!..

sorry i'll point out next time i mean it as a compliment. great work and dont' stop they sometimes get me through the days of dreary dull work

[RED_TJ]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they ********ed my wife after only five beers!”