How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

The Girlfriend always teasing me about her huge dildo, she even uses it in front of me after knocking me back for sex, she even refers to it as the "Big Fella" Well today the big fella has been marinated in Tabasco all day !!

[layback40]

I saw my Girlfriend jogging today and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse..."
Then I realised she was running after the fucking ice-cream van!!...

[ren0vator]

After working on the Jeep all weekend
My tennis elbow was acting up
The old motorcycle knee injury was giving me havoc
The arthritis in my neck was out of control
So I poured myself a rum and slid into my favourite lounge
The wife asked me "Are you alright"?
So I explained my body was a bit sore
She replied;
"You've gotta stop treating your body so rough.
You know you're not 21 anymore"
I glanced over the top of my rum glass and said,
"And you're not 50 anymore. What's your point"

And that's how the fight started ...

[layback40]

An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
And the Irishman was thinking, "This is fucking great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel...
I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.".

[layback40]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"😜

[layback40]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -
well-developed and open to trade, especially
well-developed and open to trade, especially
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past...
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts
THE END! 😬😬😬

[layback40]

Carlsberg don't do hangovers.
Nobody can drink enough of that shite to get one.