How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Bedtime Prayer in Australia


Dear Lord:

I know that I don't talk to you that much, but over the past

Few years you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze,

My favourite footballer Jimmy Stynes, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett

And my favourite musicians, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.

I just wanted to let you know that my favourite politician is

Julia Gillard.

Amen

[layback40]

Why Do I Like Retirement !?!?!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that when they do, one of their adult kids will want to store
THEIR stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work,
but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favourite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
approached the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
...and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thankful I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body is totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and to start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But by the time I put my leotards on,
the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart??' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

[layback40]

55 views to go to make 26,000 !!



The Yellow Bucket

A young girl started work in the local drugstore. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers are very discreet and don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "450".

The girl panicked. She called the owner on his cell phone and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said "He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him $4.50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

[anthonygubbin]

Hey layback has the joke about Julia Gillard, a New Zealandr, a sheep and a dog on the deserted island been told yet? If not I will post it up. BTW I am still having nightmares from the pictures of that female gorilla you sent me. It was a gorilla, wasn't it??

Regards A

[Dustbowl]

Originally Posted by anthonygubbin

Hey layback has the joke about Julia Gillard, a New Zealandr, a sheep and a dog on the deserted island been told yet? If not I will post it up. BTW I am still having nightmares from the pictures of that female gorilla you sent me. It was a gorilla, wasn't it??

Regards A

Hahahaha I remember that one, gorilla in a blonde wig if I recall correctly

Must have been around jambo time

[layback40]

Originally Posted by anthonygubbin

Hey layback has the joke about Julia Gillard, a New Zealandr, a sheep and a dog on the deserted island been told yet? If not I will post it up. BTW I am still having nightmares from the pictures of that female gorilla you sent me. It was a gorilla, wasn't it??

Regards A

Cant remember. Just put it up any way

[anthonygubbin]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonley man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard. That evening the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breaze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those fellings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Julia batted her eylashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said 'Could you take the dog for a walk'!