How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads...

He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads, " he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"






"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown !

Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says,

"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses coss they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says. and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple..

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"





"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies,

"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."




"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"




"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............

~
~
~
~
~
you know what's coming don't you ?
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~

She flew off, saying........


"Just follow the yellow-prick toad !! "

[nitrobrent]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her... towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

[anthonygubbin]

Not sure if this one has been posted before. Let me know if it has?

Regards A


Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[layback40]

Sharks on Duty
A fishing boat ran into trouble last week about 100 miles
off shore. Despite the efforts of everyone aboard, the boat
was lost. The people were left floating in their life vests.
The sharks were assigned to the case.

The two responding sharks were father and son. As they
approached the people, the father told his son to stop a
moment for instructions. He said, "Son, we need to go about
this in a methodical way. First, we circle the people with
just a bit of our fins showing."

The son replies, "Uh, huh. And then?"

"And then, we circle again but with half of our fins
showing."

"Okay. Then what?"

"Then, we circle a last time, with our fins fully out of the
water and displaying our teeth and huge mouths."

The son asks, "But Dad, isn't it easier to just go straight
in and eat them all up?"

"No, son. Trust me on this. They taste much better with all
the poop scared out of them."

[layback40]

I want to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can quit
eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that *everything* I see is
an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad
habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing
a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she
massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without
sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can't stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of
it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to
spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair
spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just
needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume
pretty low, though, and sets it to "vibrate" at the movies.

I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in
a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move
by itself.

[layback40]

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think
there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

[Richo]

I send my wife a text the other day on my iphone...
I said " hi honey, can you pick up some milk today on your travels, we are out"

But after auto correct, she got.. " you bitch, you've ********ing ruined my life I'm leaving".