How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I don't get these people who say:
"I'm not racist...I don't care if you're black, white, yellow or purple"
Purple? What the ********? If you're seeing purple people you need to stop worrying about racism and tackle your f@rking drug problem!!..

[layback40]

Just a thought....If you were 8 years old when "red, red wine" was released UB40 now

[layback40]

Two Irishmen are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Paddy, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon - I'm sure of it.'
'Yes, Mick, it smells like bacon to me.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Paddy, paddy we're saved. It is a bacon tree.'
Mick, are you sure it's not a mirage? We are in the desert, don't forget.'
'Paddy, when did you ever hear of a mirage that smell like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree.'
And, with that, Mick races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Paddy following closely behind, when, all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Mick is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Paddy with his dying breath.
'Paddy... go back man, you was right it's not a bacon tree.'
'Mick, Mick ... what the f@rk is it?' 'Paddy... its not a bacon tree...
it's...it's...
it's..it's a Ham Bush.'

[layback40]

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd my family must never know.
3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

[layback40]

I went to see my new baby Grandson yesterday.
My daughter asked me to wind him.
But I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave him a dead leg instead!!

[layback40]

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

[layback40]

He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that f@rking hard doing the washing up..!