How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Poor Paddy

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"



Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For goodness sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"



An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.



During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 10 kms through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through blackberries. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a brown snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor person!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer.



While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."



I went to a restaurant. It was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over thirty minutes.

I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"

Six couples got up and quickly left.



I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

[layback40]

There's the "50/50/90 Law": If there's a 50/50 chance of getting it wrong, you'll get it wrong 90% of the time.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up
Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school
Nobody owned a purebred dog
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a cent
Your Mum wore stockings that came in two pieces
All your male teachers wore ties
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol pumped, without asking, all for free, every time.
Cereals had free toys hidden inside the box
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents
They threatened to keep kids back a year if they failed. . .and they did
When a Holden was everyone's dream car
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition.
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a " and playing footy with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Do you remember Nancy Drew, Laurel and Hardy, The Famous Five, Secret Seven, Biggles, the Lone Ranger, Phantom, Roy and Dale and Trigger. As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket games, Hula Hoops, monkey bars, visits to the beach and "conversation" lollies.
Lolly cigarettes, pogo sticks, marbles, Home milk delivery in glass bottles with aluminium tops, Newsreels before the movie, Sandshoes, 45 RPM records, Hi-Fi's, Metal ice cubes trays with levers, Carbon paper, Cork pop guns, Drive-ins, Valiants, Washtub wringers, Reel-To-Reel tape recorders, houses made of cards, Meccano Sets, that awful pink slab of bubble gum, Penny lollies.
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends" The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "boy or girl germs"
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a sling shot
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Putting playing cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!
Take a break from your "grown-up" life. I double-dare-ya!
Doctor groaners from Rhonda
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
“I was at the doctor’s yesterday, for my annual check-up. As I was about to leave I mentioned the discomfort I’d recently been experiencing in my joints. He said that drinking water would help. I said that the joints I frequent don’t serve water

[layback40]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."



Two Irishmen sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shakes his head and asks, "Why the hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" replies Mick.

"Go on them bikes for miles and miles, up and down the hills, round the bends.

Day after day, week after week.

No matter if it's icy, raining, snowing, hailing. Why would they torture themselves like that?"

"It's all for the prestige and the money," says Mick.

"You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros.

"Yeah, I understand that." says Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"



If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

[layback40]

How to make a board….and other ways to use your home workshop

BY DAVE BARRY (Readers Digest Article)



Most of what I know about carpentry, which is almost nothing, I learnt at school. I took woodwork during the fifties, when boys took woodwork and girls home economics – code for cooking. Schools are not allowed to separate boys and girls like that any more.

They’re also not allowed to put children’s heads in vices, which is what our woodwork teacher, Mr Schmidt, did to Robbie Williams when Robbie used a chisel as a screwdriver. (Mr Schmidt had strong feelings about how to use tools properly.) I suppose he should have not put Robbie’s head in the vice, but you can bet Robbie never made the same mistake in later life.

Under the guidance of Mr Schmidt, we hammered out hundreds of the ugliest and most useless objects the human mind can conceive. Our first major project was a little book shelf that you could also use as a stool. The idea was that someday you’d be looking for a book, when all of a sudden you’d need a stool, so you’d just dump the books out and there you’d be. At least, I assume that was the thinking behind it. Mr Schmidt designed it.

Over the years, I have used my woodwork skills to make many useful objects for my home. For example, recently I made a board.

I use my board in many ways, I can stand on it to get socks out of the dryer when there’s water on the laundry floor (usually with a healthy layer of scum on top). I also use my board to squash spiders. (All spiders are deadly killers. Don’t believe any of the stuff you read in National Geographics.)

Generally, after I squash a spider, I leave the board in water for a while, spider down, to wash it off, assuming the scum isn’t too bad.

To make a board, you’ll need:

Materials: A board, paint.

Tools: A chisel, a revolver.

Get your board from a timber yard, but be prepared; timber yards reek of lunacy. If you know what size you want, tell the man you want some other size. If you don’t know what size you want, tell him it is for squashing spiders. He’ll know what you need.

You should paint your board so that people will know it’s a home carpentry project. I suggest you use a darkish colour, something along the lines of spider guts. Use your chisel to open the paint tin.

Have your revolver ready in case Mr Schmidt is still lurking around.

Once you have finished your board, move onto more advance projects, such as a harpsichord. But if you are really going to get into carpentry, you should a home workshop.

You will find your workshop is a place to store sprinklers and other objects you intend to fix some time before you die. My wife and I have worked out a simple eight step procedure for deciding which objects to store there:

1 My wife tells me an object is broken. For instance, she may say, “The lamp on my bedside table doesn’t work.”

2 I wait several months; in case my wife is mistaken.

3 My wife notifies me she is not mistaken. “the lamp still doesn’t work,” she says.

4 I conduct a preliminary investigation. I flick the switch and note the lamp doesn’t go on. “you’re right.” I tell my wife. “That lamp doesn’t work”.

5 I wait six to nineteen months, hoping that God will fix the lamp, or the Russians will attack us and the entire world will be a glowing heap of radioactive slag and nobody will care about the lamp.

6 My wife then alerts me that “The lamp still doesn’t work,” she says, sometimes late at night.

7 I try to repair the lamp on the spot. Usually, I look for a trouble spot and whack it with a blunt instrument. This often works on lamps. It rarely works on microwave ovens.

8 If the on the-spot-repair isn’t successful, I say, “I’ll have to take this lamp out to my workshop.” This is my way of telling my wife she should get another lamp, if she has any other short term plans, like reading in bed.

If you follow this procedure, after a few years you will have a great many broken objects in your workshop. In the interim, however, it will look barren. This is why you will need tools. To give your workshop an attractive, non-barren appearance, get several thousand dollars worth’ of tools and hang them in a graceful display.

Basically, there are four kinds of tools:

Tools you can hit yourself with (hammer, axes);

Tools you can cut yourself with (saws, knives, adzes);

Tools you can stab yourself with (screwdrivers, chisels);

Tools that, if you dropped just right, can penetrate your foot (awls).

Note that all of these tools are dangerous, so you should never touch them. What you should do is stand among them wearing craftsman like clothes and listen to sports programs on the radio.

If, in the event of some kind of national emergency, and you must use your tools, you should take all sorts of extreme precautions. For example, I own a radial-arm saw, which is a popular style of saw that has a blade that can spin at several million revolutions per second and severe your typical limb in a trice. When I am forced to operate my radial-arm saw, I use a safety procedure developed for X-ray technicians: I leave the room. First, though, I turn off all the power in the house, place a piece of wood near the saw and then plug in the saw. Finally, I retreat to the other room and turn the power back on. This how I would have made my board had I not bought it at the timber yard.

I also have a router, a tool I highly recommend. My router has never given me any trouble, and even if it did, I wouldn’t know it because I don’t have the vaguest notion what routers are for. I bought this one because it was on sale.

The instruction booklet that came with the router says you can use it to make a “dado,” which apparently something you can do to a piece of wood. I have been giving serious thought to making a dado on my board, based on the theory that this will make it a more effective anti-spider device. I’ll let you know how it goes, assuming I still have the use of my hands.

[layback40]

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Q - Why are Irish jokes so simple? A - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm getting closer all the time."

Finnegan: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o’clock in the morning. I can't break her of it." Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' up at that time?”
Finnegan: "Waitin' for me to come home.”

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .....'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (Heavy breathing) and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...'



Painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay."

"I'll paint ya in da n*de all right. But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."



"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

[layback40]

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

[layback40]

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.



Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine.



It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.



That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home.



On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere, and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.



The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.



If you want to borrow it, give me a call.