How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A taste of things to come! 🤣🤣🤣
A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

[layback40]

Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

“Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[layback40]

Time to relax and unwind with these.

Riddle: I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
Answer: A candle

Riddle: What question can you never answer yes to?
Answer: Are you asleep yet?

Riddle: What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
Answer: The future

Riddle: Where does today come before yesterday?
Answer: The dictionary

Riddle: What has hands, but can’t clap?
Answer: A clock

Riddle: What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
Answer: Silence.

Riddle: When you have me, you want to share me. However, if you share me, you don’t have me any longer. What am I?
Answer: A secret.

Riddle: I have mountains with no stone, lakes with no water, cities with no buildings, and towns with no people. What am I?
Answer: A map.

[layback40]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"



Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."



A doctor answers the phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

While putting on their coat, their partner asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"



A husband sat in the living room with his hand on the remote. “Hey honey,” he shouted to his wife. “Is there anything you want to say before football season starts?”



One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”
Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?”

John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.

.

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, It’s not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, It’s not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, It’s not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there?”



An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

[layback40]

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide its odour."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is How Shit Happens.

[layback40]

Let’s look at that age old question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nicolaus Copernicus: The chicken was moving at a slightly different orbital speed around the sun.

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

Dr Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on that side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?"

Dr Suess: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

[layback40]

Aussie trucker and the emu
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke,” then turns to the emu
to ask, “What’s yours?”
“Sounds great, I’ll have the same,” says the emu.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be
$10.40 please.” The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact
change, and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger,
chips and a Coke.” The emu says, “Sounds great, I’ll have the same.”
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until one day when the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,”
says the man. “Same for me,” says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change from his pocket and places it
on the
table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me mate,
but how do you manage to pull the exact change from your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the truckie, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back
shed, and I found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant,” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want,
for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,” says the man.
Still curious, the waitress asks, “So what’s with the bloody emu?”
The truckie pauses, sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall
bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”