How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[bruggz351]

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
The devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here,"
Says the devil. "You are on my
List, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
So I'll tell you what I'm going to
Do. I've got a couple of folks here
Who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
Have to take their place. I'll even
Let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded
Pretty good, so the devil opened
The door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
Large pool of water. Ted kept
Diving in, and surfacing, empty
Handed. Over, and over, and
Over he dived in and surfaced
With nothing. Such was his fate
In hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think
So. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
Day long."

The devil led him to the door of
The next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
Hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
Time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
This problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
All I could do was break rocks
All day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
Arms tied over his head, and his
Legs restrained in a spread-eagle
Pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
Best.

George looked at this in shocked
Disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
Man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........











"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[BLU-125]

That sound was me falling out of my chair, laughing........

[layback40]

Tomatoes
I know a man whose name is Jim,
I love to throw tomatoes at him.
Tomatoes are soft, & don't hurt the skin,
But these ones do, cause they're still in the tin!



When Insults Had Class

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[layback40]

"Hi, I'm Jane" she said
"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked
"You just ask nicely" he replied.

[layback40]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

[layback40]

A woman walks into the Logan Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...


'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?


'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.


She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'


'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'


'OK, and who's next?'


'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.


'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Terri?'


Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?

'I call them by their surnames!'

[bruggz351]

A lady walks into a Holden dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."