How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Gearloose]

I read the terms and conditions of facebook, which is why I don't have an account. But I thought I'd try applying their same successful formula to my real life world.
Now I walk up to strangers and want to be their friend, have a chat, tell them what I had for breakfast, things I enjoy doing, what my status is, I like them, I want to be a friend of their friends, and will share anything they show or tell me with all my friends as well. Sometimes I like to tag or poke them just for fun.
So far I've got 3 people following me already... a police officer, an ASIO agent and a psychiatrist.

[layback40]

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

[layback40]

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

[layback40]

Teacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"
Sophie; "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too."
Teacher; "Very good Sophie."
Johnny; "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two."

[layback40]

How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.....

[layback40]

Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.

"Piss off!" he replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

[layback40]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.’

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’