How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Funny Q and A’s

What officially starts in Australia on Thursday? The weekend.

White pepper, ground ginger, paprika – what am I making? A girl band.

What word means “A stylish man who lives in the country”? Unlikely

Research shows Amish people have much lower rates of what? Cyber bullying.

Research shows there will be more sharks in Australia this summer, why is this? They’re looking for Mick Fanning, apparently he punched one of their mates.

What has been found on the beach of Rio? Harold Holt

What is Microsoft buying for $26.2 billion. A house in Sydney



Say this out loud: Tutant meenage neetle teetles

I am sure the name Glen is short for Glenjamin

If you don’t still say “wed-ness-day” in your mind when you spell Wednesday, you are a liar.



The three stages of life:

- Birth

- WHAT IS THIS??

- Death



I wonder if anyone notices I only wear three pairs of pants.

Me: *Mocks parents for not understanding technology*

Me: *Has to google how to cook an egg*

Be careful out there today: there’s people everywhere.

I’m a people person, but from a distance.

Maybe I’m not addicted to my phone, I’m addicted to not interacting with other people.

I believe in annoyed at first sight.

From my many years of experience as a human I know for a fact that drinking from a cup while lying down is a terrible idea, yet still I try.

When you go to a friend’s house to stay the night and get stuck with the scratchy blanket. You know the one. It’s made of wool.

It has a satiny trim that tries to deceive you into thinking this will be a nice blanket experience.

But it’s not.

Every house has one. It’s buried deep in the bowels of the linen closet, under some of Grandma’s crocheted rugs and the doona with the feathers coming out of it, but make no mistake. The scratchy blanket is there.

And it waits.

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A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

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n a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female raised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?”

“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class… and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor’s reply was classic…

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!""That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?..

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Here's a Plan

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.