How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.

[layback40]

Apparently, during the last year there has been a fall in the number of foreign tourists visiting AUSTRALIA.

Some people are blaming the recession, others are blaming the weather.

I blame the fact that none of the f##kers bothered going back home.

[layback40]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."




A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[layback40]

Mom asked Little Johnny if he had enjoyed his school's field trip.

"Yeah, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and f##kers."

Mom said, "Uh, fine, fine. I know what sheep, horses and goats are, but what is a, er, um, 'f##kers'?"

Johnny said, "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."

Mom said, "But who said they were called, er, you know, 'f##kers'?"

Johnny replied, "That was our teacher."

"She actually called them 'f##kers'!" said Mom, astonished.

"Well actually she called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant."

[layback40]

A cure has been found for homosexuality.

Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

[layback40]

A man walks up to a lass in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond."
She says "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"
"No," he replies "it's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack!!..

[layback40]

VIRUS ALERT: An email was recently sent out asking women to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix this, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings > Enable Webcam > Record Movie and send to me as soon as poss.