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  #1  
Old 31-07-2007
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wendaloo  wendaloo is offline
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Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him.

"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also
bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers
in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised
me?Bought it too, with the insurance money!

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? .

Here it comes!

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  #2  
Old 31-07-2007
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hillsjeep  hillsjeep is offline
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Martha and Herman were driving along a country road one night, when Martha turned to Herman and said "I've decided I want a divorce"

Herman remained focussed on the road but sped up slightly.

Matha continued "I think its only fair that I keep the house too"

Herman said nothing but sped up a little more

"And I want to keep the Jaguar as well" she continued

Again Herman sped up a little more

"But I want to be fair, what would you like to keep" she said

He replied "nothing I have all I need" as he sped up a little more.

"Oh whats that?" she asked

"An air bag" he replied.
  #3  
Old 02-08-2007
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mum that she has missed her
period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I want
to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a
beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
we do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."
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howdy blanket girl!! :)

Last edited by Fat Chili; 07-08-2007 at 01:34 PM.
  #4  
Old 02-08-2007
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Jeeping Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend With Jeep 5.0 to Jeeping Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend With Jeep 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Jeeping Husband 1.0 deactivates many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and activates new, undesirable programs such as Jeep Buddies Night 1.3, Saturday Four-Wheeling 5.0, Mechanic 2.4 and JeepPartsEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs correctly, and invariably launches the Last Weeks Jeep Adventures browser version 3.1. DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6 doesn't work, especially on weekends, either. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Jeeping Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help please ?!!!!
Jeepless Jane
Dear JeeplessJane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend With Jeep 5.0 to Jeeping Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend With Jeep 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Jeeping Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few non-Jeep related applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Jeeping Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend With Jeep 5.0, because Jeeping Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend With Jeep 5.0 to emulate Jeeping Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
Having Jeeping Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Jeeping Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Jeeping Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Jeeping Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Jeeping Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, CJ 6.0. CJ 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Jeeping Husband 1.0 to create SmallJeep 1.0. You will find very little space within this program and Wife 1.0 no longer has enough room to run during JeepTrips 2000. You will soon be running WhereDoISit 5.3. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run non Jeep related applications. Jeeping Husband 1.0 is a great program, but if it doesn.t involve Jeeps, there is limited memory available and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend PowerTools4Gifts 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Jeeping Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Jeeping Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThingsOtherThanJeeps 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Jeeping Husband 1.0 will run only Long JeepTrips 5.2 and Longer JeepTrips 9.3 or GarageWork 2.5 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Jeeping Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. "We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
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  #5  
Old 06-08-2007
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cmohr  cmohr is offline
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1 1 was a race horse

2 2 was 1 2

1 1 1 1 race 1 day

and

2 2 1 1 2



It's funny if you say it quickly.
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Tales.......of Interest!!!
  #6  
Old 07-08-2007
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Tassie_328i  Tassie_328i is offline
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work?

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go
to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
" Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
__________________
U only need 2 tools, WD40 & DuctTape
Wont move but should? use WD40
Moves & Shouldnt? use DuctTape
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  #7  
Old 07-08-2007
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wendaloo  wendaloo is offline
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SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

o I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

o Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

o I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
o (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

o I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

o I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

o I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

o I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

o Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

o Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

o I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

o I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

o I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

o And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

o I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

o I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

o I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

o I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

o I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

o I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

o Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

o And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

o I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

o If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at
o 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
  #8  
Old 07-08-2007
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wendaloo  wendaloo is offline
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THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre...
I noticed your cat.
..... Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you.
I've changed my mind.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia in the USA
and Meppershall and Royston in England and Tasmania, Australia)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


So your daughter's a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
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