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Old 16-08-2007
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wendaloo  wendaloo is offline
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
you throw a revolver at him?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Old 16-08-2007
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Tasar  Tasar is offline
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This joke only works if you read it with a very bad French accent.

These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun.
They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.

On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see
visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice
creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not
crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and
strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing. "Le voila," he
says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"

And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert,
a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery
object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a
stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a
shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other
Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.

The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion.
Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his
faint voice.

"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
Old 17-08-2007
Nobody  Nobody is offline
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Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his 50th birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and asks "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always Have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, sweetie?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
four-letter word in the book.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
Originally Posted by Wolfe View Post
howdy blanket girl!! :)
Old 17-08-2007
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bikemat  bikemat is offline
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hahahahaha i love it tasar!!!!
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Old 21-08-2007
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Barefoot  Barefoot is offline
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A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an uninhabited island.

After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Old 22-08-2007
Nobody  Nobody is offline
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One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.

The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his

With a death grip in place,
she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener ,
the postman,
the pool man
your brother!"
Originally Posted by Wolfe View Post
howdy blanket girl!! :)
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Old 24-08-2007
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Tassie_328i  Tassie_328i is offline
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An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
U only need 2 tools, WD40 & DuctTape
Wont move but should? use WD40
Moves & Shouldnt? use DuctTape
Old 24-08-2007
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OIIIO  OIIIO is offline
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A young guy walks into the doctors surgery, and tells the doctor he has a problem.
The doctor asks him "what's the problem"
The guy says I'm a little embarressed, it's my private parts,
So the doctor says, get it out and give me a look,
Well, his c&*k is bright orange, other than that it's quiet normal.
Confussed, the doctor starts asking questions trying to diagnose it.
Doctor: it must be your job, do you work with chemicals etc?
Young guy: Nah, I haven't worked in years mate.
Doctor: mmm.... must be a sport or hobbie, do you scuba dive, play rugby or do rodeo's?
Young Guy: Nah, I don't do any of that.
Doctor: well then, it has to be your sex life, do you participate in any kinky sex acts, do you have more than one sexual partner?
Young Guy: Nah, I haven't had a girlfriend for a couple of years.
Doctor: getting frustrated by now, well what do you do all day?
Young Guy: well not a lot really, "I just sit on the lounge watching porno's and eating twisties"
he he

well it made me laugh!
Old 30-08-2007
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wildturkey  wildturkey is offline
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A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow... "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde said.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.

"Now take down my zipper". She did.

"Now go ahead... take it out...". She did.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... come on".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...

"Mum, can you hear me?"
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