How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Getting ready to go to the golf club with his grandfather...the young boy was looking around the boot of the new BMW... What’re these...he asked...pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs...Those are tees...the old man said...You put your balls in them when you drive...shit...the boy said...those BMW people think of everything, don’t they...

[layback40]

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The country fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the country fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a cheque for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That oughtta be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

[layback40]

I fancied a curry last nite so i phoned " Kings China Buffet' A Chinky Answered and said "Herro I'm Wan King The Cook" I said " no worries", i'll call back

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The defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did - but your client didn't!"

KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, 14

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15

"Textas are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9

"A recent economic study revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year."

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"

[Banshee]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down to pee, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.


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My wife treats me as a god.

She ignores me most of the time and only talks to me when she needs something.

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Two Italian Men
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN.

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Re: time travel and the Avebury rock formations have a look at this video. David https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/new...sh-summer-time

Sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:

Don't ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you raised in a tent?

You didn't beat me. I let you win.

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

You call that noise "music"?

No, we're not there yet.

When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.

As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

Because I said so. That's why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

So, you think you're smart, do you?

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am, a bank?

What part of NO don't you understand?

I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!

If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.

Enough is enough!

Don't make me stop the car!

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

"There are two rules for success in life:

Don't tell people everything you know."