How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practising medicine.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark.”
“You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I’ve never seen done in my entire life”.

[layback40]

Some observations for you all:

-Lasagne is just spaghetti flavoured cake.

-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

-The early bird may get the worm, but on the other hand; the early worm gets eaten...

-I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

-I intend to live forever -- so far so good.

-It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

-There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

-Anybody who can swallow an aspirin at a drinking fountain deserves to get well.

-By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

In Albany, New York:

Harry Edsel Smith

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent ...

Until I know which way you went.

[layback40]

A man goes to the department store to buy his wife a maternity bra. The shop assistant asks "What bust?"
"The ********ing condom" he replied.

[layback40]

A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”
The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.” The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?” Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.”
The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I am going to miss it this time..

[layback40]

At any given moment, my urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away!!..

[layback40]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."..

[layback40]

Two married men are out drinking! One says, " i can never sneak into my house after i've been out! No matter how quiet i am, my wife still wakes and nags me"! His friend replies, " do what i do! Slam the front door, stamp up the stairs, jump into bed and slap her arse & say " how about a blow job and some bum fun?" Bet she's ********ing sleeping then "!