Jokes

[Jono Ward]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that

they will continue after recess .

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his

name.

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the F ..... happened to Stanley?"

[Jono Ward]

NATAL CURRY CONTEST


If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. they actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
>From America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer When they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold ut spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? Judge # 3 - No Report

[Jeff]

Jono that was brilliant!

[Tasar]

I think this is a joke to men anyway

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
And takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
While he flips the meat .

Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

[Nobody]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,"I
notice you buy a lot of candles.

What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box
of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread wafer purchases? "What do you do with
the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was
trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every
now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax
Office and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[wendaloo]

Warning from Taliban:

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Bell and Sprint customer service reps.

..........It's getting ugly

[Nobody]

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY instrument you like". Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says "What's wrong - can ye no play it?"
The octopus says "play it? - I'm gonna **ck her brains out once I can get her pyjamas off!"