How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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ARE YOU..... Struggling financially?
ARE YOUR..... Credit card bills becoming unmanageable?
DO YOU..... Dread the phone ringing?
Well it serves you f@rkin right for getting married!!.

[layback40]

I've spent ages preparing the ingredients and now they've ended up all over the bottom of the oven.
How the ******** am I supposed to put the dish in at 180 degrees?

[layback40]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"

[layback40]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go"

[layback40]

– Just about the same standard as in the average bonbon.



What did Adam say on Christmas night? "It's Christmas, Eve".

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus on Christmas Eve? Looks like rain, dear.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? Sandy Claus!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?

Olive?

Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has no L (Noel)

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.

What do you call Santa with no money? St. Nickel-less

[layback40]

A BUSH CHRISTMAS

The sun burns hotly thro' the gums

As down the road old Rogan comes --

The hatter from the lonely hut

Beside the track to Woollybutt.

He likes to spend his Christmas with us here.

He says a man gets sort of strange

Living alone without a change,

Gets sort of settled in his way;

And so he comes each Christmas day

To share a bite of tucker and a beer.



Dad and the boys have nought to do,

Except a stray odd job or two.

Along the fence or in the yard,

"It ain't a day for workin' hard."

Says Dad. "One day a year don't matter much."

And then dishevelled, hot and red,

Mum, thro' the doorway puts her head

And says, "This Christmas cooking, My!

The sun's near fit for cooking by."

Upon her word she never did see such.



"Your fault," says Dad, "you know it is.

Plum puddin'! on a day like this,

And roasted turkeys! Spare me days,

I can't get over women's ways.

In climates such as this the thing's all wrong.

A bit of cold corned beef an' bread

Would do us very well instead."

Then Rogan said, "You're right; it's hot.

It makes a feller drink a lot."

And Dad gets up and says, "Well, come along."



The dinner's served -- full bite and sup.

"Come on," says Mum, "Now all sit up."

The meal takes on a festive air;

And even father eats his share

And passes up his plate to have some more.

He laughs and says it's Christmas time,

"That's cookin', Mum. The stuffin's prime."

But Rogan pauses once to praise,

Then eats as tho' he'd starved for days.

And pitches turkey bones outside the door.



The sun burns hotly thro' the gums,

The chirping of the locusts comes

Across the paddocks, parched and grey.

"Whew!" wheezes Father. "What a day!"

And sheds his vest. For coats no man had need.

Then Rogan shoves his plate aside

And sighs, as sated men have sighed,

At many boards in many climes

On many other Christmas times.

"By gum!" he says, "That was a slap-up feed!"



Then, with his black pipe well alight,

Old Rogan brings the kids delight

By telling o'er again his yarns

Of Christmas tide 'mid English barns

When he was, long ago, a farmer's boy.

His old eyes glisten as he sees

Half glimpses of old memories,

Of whitened fields and winter snows,

And yuletide logs and mistletoes,

And all that half-forgotten, hallowed joy.



The children listen, mouths agape,

And see a land with no escape

For biting cold and snow and frost --

A land to all earth's brightness lost,

A strange and freakish Christmas land to them.

But Rogan, with his dim old eyes

Grown far away and strangely wise

Talks on; and pauses but to ask

"Ain't there a drop more in that cask?"

And father nods; but Mother says "Ahem!"



The sun slants redly thro' the gums

As quietly the evening comes,

And Rogan gets his old grey mare,

That matches well his own grey hair,

And rides away into the setting sun.

"Ah, well," says Dad. "I got to say

I never spent a lazier day.

We ought to get that top fence wired."

"My!" sighs poor Mum. "But I am tired!

An' all that washing up still to be done."



C.J. Dennis. Herald, 24 December 1931.

[layback40]

Went into town the other day to buy a shirt. The blonde sales assistant asked me if I needed any help.
I told her I was a medium.
She asked me if could contact her dead uncle Fred!!..