How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

An old man, Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a bit senile, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing.

[layback40]

The Button
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There, next to the paper roll, were four buttons marked respectively:
WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, WOW, these gals really have it nice.
So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!
So, he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine were just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

[layback40]

I've been cheating on you, I said to the missus, She said, Really? Honestly? You lousy bastard. And furthermore, I said, she says I am amazing in bed. Feckin hell, she said. You silly bastard, you had me going there for a minute as well.

[layback40]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

[layback40]

THE DOCTOR AND THE BUMBLEBEE

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming

"Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

So the doctor went deeper and deeper.

After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

[layback40]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love.” the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”

“With you!” he said.

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is?

It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”

[layback40]

JACK

A middle manager was in a quandary.

He had to downsize one of his staff members.

He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.

It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.

Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."