How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.
The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.
She said, "I had sex with a guy."
The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did!
The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.
She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."
So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did!
The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

[layback40]

My wife was flicking through the channels when she said, "Why is everything on television so biased in favour of men?"
I replied, "Never mind that. How the ******** did you get your hands on the remote?"

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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!'

[layback40]

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.

[layback40]

Dog Named Sex.

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Tuesday.

[layback40]

NURSING HOME

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a
95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[layback40]

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.
"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."
"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not the dogs fault."