How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a blackeye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[layback40]

Player's Player.

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.

"I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions.

First, it'll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

[layback40]

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. So the three presidents decide to drop one item.

George Washington drops a quarter.

Abe Lincoln drops a penny.

George Bush drops a grenade.

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"I was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"I was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "I farted and my house exploded!!!

[layback40]

A man goes into a bar and see's a sign that says $200 if you can make the horse laugh! So the guy goes over to the bartender and says I can make the horse laugh.

The bartender say go ahead, the guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear the horse starts laughing hysterically.

The guy goes over to the bartender to get his money and the bartender says I bet you this $200 plus $400 more that you can't make the horse cry, the guy says alright you're on. He walks back over to the horse well the bartender turns around for a second and when he turns back around the horse is crying.

So he says to the guy before I give you this money I gotta know, how did you make the horse laugh? The guy said I told him my dick was bigger than his. The bartender say well how did you make him cry? The guy says I proved it.

[layback40]

A lady who lives near a railway line needs to have a cupboard assembled in her bedroom. She calls in a carpenter and just as he is about to leave, a train passes by her window and the doors of the cupboard fly open. The carpenter tightens the screws and again a train rolls by and the doors fly open. The carpenter makes some final adjustments but still the doors keep flying open when the train passes. The carpenter says that this is very strange and that he needs to see what happens from the inside of the cupboard. He climbs in and closes the doors. Meantime the lady's husband comes home and finds the carpenter inside the cupboard. When he demands an explanation the carpenter asks: "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm waiting for a train?

[layback40]

I smiled at the checkout girl and said, "Has anybody told you how gorgeous you look today?"
"No", she giggled.
"Well, if they do", I replied, "will you please send them to my Specsavers shop next door?

[layback40]

What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?
Women.