How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Wazza D]

Originally Posted by Banshee

......notice how there have been no memes about it?

What do you mean?

[layback40]

A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Tesco!
Why Tesco??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
Tesco is the largest re-tailer in the UK!!

[Banshee]

So this bloke owns a pub and has a dog that always sleeps by the fireplace.

One day after many years of faithful friendship, the dog is outside & is hit by a car and dies. The publican is beside himself, he's lost his best friend. So, to commemorate the dog, the publican hangs it's tail, all that was left of him, above the bar.

Things are quiet for about a fortnight, until one night after closing, the publican hears an almighty banging at the back door. The publican goes to investigate, opens the back door and there, in the alley is the biggest, meanest, most writhing in flames Hell-Hound ever seen this side of the Dark Ages. The publican is scared shitless as the creature approaches, licks his hand and looks up at him. The publican looks back, right into the hounds eyes and realises this is his dog.

He looks folornly at the creature and says "What happened? You were such a good dog, why do you look... like this?"

The dog looked up at his erstwhile owner sadly and said, "It's my tail, I can't cross over without it, I need it back."

The publican looked sadly at his friend & regretfully said, "Sorry, you know I'm not allowed to retail spirits after midnight."

[Banshee]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings and asks for a beer. The bartender looks back at him and says, "Sorry. We don't sell beer in bars in Billings to bears."

The bear starts getting angry & threatens to eat the drunk woman at the other end of the bar. The barman looks at him and again replies, "Sorry. We don't sell beer in bars in Billings to belligerent bears."

At this the bear loses it, & kills & eats the woman, comes back, sticks his nose right in the barman's face & demands a beer!

The barman looks back at him & practically yells, "We don't sell beer in bars in Billings to belligerent bears, WHO ARE ON DRUGS!"

The bear jerks back stunned. "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender shakes his head sadly. "Yes you are. That was a bar-bitch you ate!"

[layback40]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his......'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted.

[layback40]

No matter how much mascara I put on my penis, I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.
Fuck you Maybelline, just fuck you!

[layback40]

CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!