How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning It was a fine spring day in his new parish in rural United States . He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and promptly noticed that there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, thought he would have a little fun with the new priest. Putting on his best Irish accent he said, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment ……….Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

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Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".

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As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.
A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.
Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.
A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus....
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.

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Murphy is a trainee nurse in his local GPs surgery. Last week the doctor said, "Murphy I'm going for a round of golf so I'm leaving you in charge, it's always quiet on Wednesdays." On his return the doctor asked Murphy how he'd got on. MURPHY. "I had three lady patients. The first complained of headaches so I gave her Paracetamol." DOCTOR, "Good." MURPHY. "The second complained of stomach ach so I gave her Gaviscon." DOCTOR. "You learn fast." MURPHY. "The third woman burst through the door, ripped her clothes off and jumped naked onto the couch screaming, 'Help me help me, I've not seen a man in over two years." DOCTOR. "What did you do?" MURPHY. "I gave her some eye drops."

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There was a young woman from leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds in less than an hour her tits were in flower and her fanny was covered in weeds...

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Thought for the day!!............................The chances of you dying on the way to get your lotto tickets is greater than your chance of winning!!......... have a nice day!!..