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  #6175  
Old 09-11-2015
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A husband and wife in bed one night. The husband gives the wife a glass of water and 2 aspirin.
Wife: what's this for?
Husband: your headache!
Wife: what headache? I don't have a headache!
Husband: yes you do!
Wife: no I don't!
Husband : yes you do!
Wife: look for the last time I don't have a headache!
Husband: are you sure now?
Wife : yes I'm sure!
Husband: great get your pants off then!!!
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  #6176  
Old 10-11-2015
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Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women , blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims? Time to level the playing field and be politically correct by including the Muslims!
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4.If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it. You may be a Muslim.
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  #6177  
Old 10-11-2015
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My wife has been on Ebay all day again, if she doesn't sell this time I'm putting her on Gumtree!!.
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  #6178  
Old 10-11-2015
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A gypsy was talking to his pal, he said, "If I could win the lottery I would send my son to school." Next week he wins £7 million. He enrolls his son in the most expensive school. After the first day his son comes home and says, "Dad, I was the only one who could count to five, is that because I'm a gypsy?" He replies, "Yes son." The second day he comes home, "Dad, I was the only one who knew a, b, c, d, is that because I am a gypsy?" He replies, "Yes son." The third day he had training and a shower after, he said, "Dad, my willy was a lot bigger than all the other boys, is that because I'm a gypsy?" Dad replies, "No son, that's because you are 27 !!!"
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  #6179  
Old 10-11-2015
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A young boy runs into the police station in Liverpool.
"Please come quick! My dad's getting beaten up down the pub!"
The duty sergeant grabs his cap and runs over to the pub with the boy, where they see two hefty Scousers beating the shit out of each other.
"Which one's your dad?" says the sergeant.
"I dunno. That's what they're ********ing fighting about."
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  #6180  
Old 10-11-2015
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If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.
"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.
"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.
"My point exactly!!..
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  #6181  
Old 10-11-2015
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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