Jokes

[waynegler]

There is this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts "How can I get to the other side?"
the second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back "you ARE on the other side".

[hillsjeep]

It was entertainment day at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
Was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

[Sheeds]

Little Sean was sitting in class and his teacher was giving the students an english lesson.

The Teacher says "Today's word is contagious. Can anyone make up a sentence with the word contagious?"

Sally puts her hand up, "Miss, My little brother has the chicken pox and we can't go near him cause they are contagious"

"Very good Sally" the teacher says, "Can anyone else make up a sentence with contagious?"

Billy pipes up in the corner "There are lots of horses getting sick with the flu because its contagious."

"Excellent Billy" says the teacher "Good work. Now can anyone else use the word contagious in a sentence?"

Little Sean, who had recently moved to the school from Dublin, raised his hand.
"Yes Sean," said the teacher "What is your sentence?"

"Well," says Sean in a broad irish accent "The bloke living next door to us is painting his whole front porch with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious!"

[hillsjeep]

Received this touching email from a religious group, truly inspirational!!

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on it

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a###holes at Bunnings ever deliver the f***ing Gyprock..."

[Tasar]

TWO LITTLE PEOPLE

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A
circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck mate, I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[Tasar]

The Toy Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
Son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying,
"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the
last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the
train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
Kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
We ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Tasar]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde, female
neighbor
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it,
looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A
little
later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened
it,
and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the
man
was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to
the
mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled
by
her actions, the man asked her, ?Is something wrong??
To which she replied, ?There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
telling
me I have mail!?