How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved elf asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

[layback40]

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test.

First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her.

The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent.

Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.

[layback40]

" Good Wan! (Good One!)"
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someoneand you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no onewas sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: O h ......God!!! !

[layback40]

I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day.
Soft, slow cooked pasta.
The finest petits pois.
Finely diced, soft soya flakes.
A beautiful chicken stock marinade.
Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.
Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done.

[layback40]

Three dogs were in the vet's waiting room. The first dog asked the second dog what he was in for, and he answered,
"My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I shat and pissed all over it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?" The first dog replied grimly,
"I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of antique vases and while I was jumping around the room I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all." The two dogs then looked over and asked the third dog what he was in for. The third dog answered,
"The reason I'm here is the other day my mistress stepped out of the shower and then she bent over to pick up the towel. I couldn't resist the temptation, so I jumped on her from behind and humped the ass off her."
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" said the first dog.
"Oh no," said the third dog, "I'm just in here to get my claws trimmed."

[layback40]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."

The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

[layback40]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same lack of response from all the priests until she got to Carlos, the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up – and set off all the other bells.