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  #8002  
Old 14-06-2018
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. "Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f###ked up your hair?"
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  #8003  
Old 15-06-2018
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Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.

- Oscar Wilde

A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time, or I'll throw you overboard....so it's up to you, sync or swim."

A local business placed the following ad: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

The next day, a dog trotted into the office and up to the receptionist. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he leads him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager and said, "Meow!"



An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"What did you say?" questioned the artist.

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"He said he was your doctor...."
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  #8004  
Old 22-06-2018
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There was a frugal tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a buck or two where he could. So, he often would thin down his paint to make it go a bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so, he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack far off the scaffold to land on the ground. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"



Interviewing the young Swede for a job as teller, the bank president is amazed with the skill the applicant exhibits at handling money.

"So," the president says, "where did you get your training?"

"Yale," the fair-haired youth replies.

"I see. And what did you say your name was?"

He answers, "Yackson."



The three-time felon felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder looking jurors and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.

Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"

"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."



"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
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  #8005  
Old 23-06-2018
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I went to the Doctor's yesterday with stomach pains.....
He said, "I can't find anything wrong with you, it must be the drink"
.
"OK!!!" I said, "I'll come back when you're sober".....!!!
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  #8006  
Old 07-07-2018
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He said, she said.

'You must be tolerant. It is absolutely essential or you’re out!'

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall, "Usually at the ATM."

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"That must be a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior."

- Rita Rudner

More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a jackaroo. Taking pity on him, a station owner decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lasso. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the rope. "And what do you use for bait?"

The weary holiday traveller looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.

Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"

"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

"English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.

This is our idea of useless legislation." - Unknown
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  #8007  
Old 12-07-2018
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I met a fairy yesterday who said who would grant me a wish.

I said, " I wish to live forever."

"Sorry." replied the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that wish. Or the one for more wishes, either."

"OK," I said, "I want to die the day after Parliment is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men & women, who only act in the best interest of the people."

The fairy glared at me and said, "You crafty bastard!"
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  #8008  
Old 13-07-2018
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What's got 4 legs and an arm?

A happy Rottweiler!!



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



When George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe vs Wade was, he replied it was the decision that George Washington needed to make when he planned for his army to cross the Delaware.



A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere, Montana.

After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle, he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

"Hold it friend," the man says, "I'm your neighbour. I have a ranch about 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancin', drinkin' huggin', kissin' and fightin'.... It's gonna be a great time!"

Not wanting to be un-neighbourly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbour. "Only gonna be the two of us."



A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so the sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" he asked.

"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.

"What's the difference?" asked the sergeant

The lieutenant answered, "The difference is I'm scared with a university education."
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  #8009  
Old 20-07-2018
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"My son has taken up meditation... at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing."

- Max Kauffmann

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

"Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!"

My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

"The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it."

- Harold Rome

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

- Rodney Dangerfield.

Heaven vs. Hell

In Heaven:

the cooks are French,

the policemen are English,

the mechanics are German,

the lovers are Italian

and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

the cooks are English,

the policemen are German,

the mechanics are French,

the lovers are Swiss

and the bankers are Italian.

"When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime."

- Tim Cavanagh
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  #8010  
Old 27-07-2018
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Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says,

"Hey, are you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,

"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,

"Tyre go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes,

"Darn that's hot!"

See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive a truck in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked,

"So... is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No I'm deliverin' a bridge... here's your sign."
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