dating my daughter

[murray]

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, like a psychological profile and polygraph test, as required.

Name:_____________________ Date of Birth:_____________

Height:____ Weight:____ I.Q.:____ GPA:____

Social Security #_______ Driver's License #_______

Boy Scout rank:____________

Home Address:_________ City/State:____ Zip:_____

Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?________

If NO, explain:_____________________________

How fast can you run 40 yards?______ 2 miles?______

Do you own a van?___ A truck with oversized tires?___A waterbed?___ Do you have an earring?___ Nose ring?___Belly button ring?___ Tattoo?___

(If YES to any of these questions, discontinue application and leave the premises.)[

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

What Church you attend?___________ How often do you attend?____

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and minister? _______________________________

Answer by filling in the blanks; please answer freely. All answers will be confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone)

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the _________________

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is the___________

A woman's place is in the____________________________

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_________

In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like _____________ to be contacted.

My greatest fear is________________________________

When I first meet a girl, the one thing I notice about her first is her___________

(Note: If the answer to the question begins with a B, discontinue and leave the premises - keeping head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)

What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?___

Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?___

Your dentist is:_________ Emergency phone #___________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________signature (that means sign your name)

for all those who want to date my daughter when the tine comes
just getting in early

[Fouros]

you forgot one disclaimer muzz

if i do not bring said daughter back at the approproate time i will meet the pointy end of an emasculator

[murray]

Originally Posted by Fouros

you forgot one disclaimer muzz

if i do not bring said daughter back at the approproate time i will meet the pointy end of an emasculator

ball loppin is listed in the fine print
blunt screwdiver i beleave

[Chad_TJ]

Always wondered what it must feel like when we drive off with their daughters in a mud covered TJ ahha

[hillsjeep]

Murray, did you know my father in law by any chance??

[jeep_boy]

damm im glad my girl never see's or has anything to do with her dad and her mum is so accepting of me oh such a relief

[Bushpig]

Emasculator is good - Burdizzo is better. Used to crush certain bits and pieces to render infertility. Unfortunately the soft c##ks of this world seem to think it's inhumane. When it comes to daughters, normal rules don't apply. Even though I only have a son, I'm with you Murray.

Cheers Mark