How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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N SWEDEN…………..
At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says,
"In America we call this a hug."
She says, "Yaah, in Svede, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and says, "In America we call this a kiss."
She says, "Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too."
Later that evening after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her and says, "In America we call this a grass sandwich."
She says, "Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

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I saw Cliff Richard in my local Chinese takeaway recently. The owner said to him, "You sing my favourite song I give you free meal!" Cliff replied, "Sure, what do you want to hear?" The man said, "itchy sore fanny!" Cliff looked confused and said, "Sorry, that's not one of my songs" "Yes" said the man."Itchy sore fanny how we don't talk anymore!"

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I was washing my car just now when my annoying neighbour shouted over to me, "You can clean mine next if you want, Ha ha?" Jesus, it's bad enough I have to fuck his wife for him.

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to speak!!..

[Banshee]

The weather in Queensland lately reminded me of the old one, not as applicable now, though:

Why are cyclones & hurricanes named after women?

When they come, they are wet & wild. And when they go, they take your house & car with them..

[TR Laredo]

I got the craving for a McDonald's Big Mac about a week ago and went to our local McDonalds drive-through.
The girl who took my order at the window was, much to my surprise, wearing a full-on black Burqa. The only thing I could see of her was her eyes. I went on and collected my order, still slightly amused by the girl in the 'batman outfit'.
Last night, I thought that I'd give Hungry Jacks a go, so off I went to the Hungry Jacks drive-through. You won't believe what I was confronted with.
If you guessed that it was a girl with the full, wraparound burqa, with just the eyes peering out at me, you're correct, except this time, the Burqa was a soft, pastel type pink colour and not black.
The funny part was, I noticed a small blemish over her right eye. The McDonalds girl had the same mark. I was convinced that this was the same girl I'd encountered a week ago when I heard her voice.
"Didn't you work at McDonalds before?" I asked her.

"Yes" she replied as she looked me straight in the eyes.
"Why did you leave?" I asked.

She replied,"Because the Burqa's are better at Hungry Jacks!"

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A man was flying from Melbourne to Perth. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Adelaide along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Adelaide for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines!



"Every year, (American) English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners...

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was a room-temperature sausage.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.



Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in heaven or hell. "Marry him anyway, dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bassinette.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous. .