How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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😜😜Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cos I still have mine."
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A&E, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." !
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Ringway to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion.."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse..
"Oops!"
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While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." He is still in intensive care!

[layback40]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines eight years ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG insurance seven years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers eleven years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Northern Rock nine years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average person walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, we get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be a piss head.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue).
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support

[layback40]

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:
‘The tender one’
‘The amazing one’
‘Lady of my dreams’
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.
When she dialled the third number her own phone rang.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,
so, she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend, whose name was saved as:
‘Uncle Mick the mechanic’

[layback40]

They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans,
bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the
Water'
The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off
- let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this
way again', giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the
choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
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At the evening service tonight the sermon topic
will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members
and the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
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This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the Congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

[layback40]

SOME SOCIAL RULES THAT MAY HELP YOU:
1. Don’t call someone more than twice continuously. If they don’t pick up your call, presume they have something important to attend to.
2. Return money that you have borrowed even before the person who loaned it to you remembers or asks for it. It shows your integrity and character. The same goes for umbrellas, pens, and lunch boxes.
3. Never order the expensive dish on the menu when someone is treating you to lunch or dinner.
4. Don’t ask awkward questions like ‘Oh, so you aren’t married yet?’ Or ‘Don’t you have kids?’ Or ‘Why haven't you bought a house?’ Or ‘Why haven't you bought a car?’ For God’s sake, it isn’t your problem.
5. Always open the door for the person coming behind you. It doesn’t matter if it is a guy or a girl, senior or junior. You don’t grow small by treating someone well in public.
6. If you take a taxi with a friend and he/she pays now, try paying next time.
7. Respect different shades of opinions. Remember, what may seem like 6 to you might appear as 9 to someone else. Besides, a second opinion is good for an alternative.
8. Never interrupt people while they are talking. Allow them to pour it out. As they say, hear them all and filter them all.
9. If you tease someone, and they don’t seem to enjoy it, stop it and never do it again. It encourages one to do more and shows how appreciative you are.
10. Say “thank you” when someone is helping you.
11. Praise publicly. Criticize privately.
12. There’s almost never a reason to comment on someone’s weight. Just say, “You look fantastic.” If they want to talk about losing weight, they will.
13. When someone shows you a photo on their phone, don’t swipe left or right. You never know what’s next.
14. If a colleague tells you they have a doctor's appointment, don’t ask what it’s for, just say "I hope you’re okay." Don’t put them in the uncomfortable position of having to tell you their personal illness. If they want you to know, they'll do so without your inquisitiveness.
15. Treat the cleaner with the same respect as the CEO. Nobody is impressed by how rudely you treat someone below you, but people will notice if you treat them with respect.
16. If a person is speaking directly to you, staring at your phone is rude.
17. Never give advice until you’re asked.
18. When meeting someone after a long time, unless they want to talk about it, don’t ask them their age or salary.
19. Mind your business unless anything involves you directly - just stay out of it.
20. Remove your sunglasses if you are talking to anyone in the street. It is a sign of respect. Moreover, eye contact is as important as your speech.
21. Never talk about your riches in the midst of the poor. Similarly, don't talk about your children in the midst of the barren.
22. After reading a good message, consider saying "Thanks for the message."
APPRECIATION remains the easiest way of getting what you don't have.