How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I went to the supermarket and noticed a very attractive woman waving at me. She said,









'Hello.'

I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from. So I asked, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now my mind travels back to the only time I had ever been unfaithful to my wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into my eyes and said calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[layback40]

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwis amongst us:

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep

[layback40]

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :-

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman



One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

[layback40]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls are itchy!”

[layback40]

Up up & away !







I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

UP



Read until the end ... you'll laugh.



This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].



It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?



At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? Â We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.



At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.



To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.



And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP..

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!



To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.



If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.



When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!



Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?



U

P!







Did that one crack you UP?



Don't screw UP.. . . . it's UP to you.



Now I'll shut UP!

[layback40]

“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Coles just listened!



Anyone want a burger from Coles? Yay or neigh?



Not entirely sure how Coles are going to get over this hurdle.



Waitress in Coles asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had $5 each way!



Had some burgers from Coles for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.



A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Coles.
Her condition is said to be stable.



Coles are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn



"I've just checked the Coles burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"



Coles now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers,

as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.



Said to the missus, These Coles burgers give me the trots....



"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....



A cow walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"

Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"



I hear the smaller version of those Coles burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.



These Coles burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!



The End???

[layback40]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favourite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?