How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

This blonde decided one day that she was
sick and tired of all those blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid.
So, she decided to show her husband
that blondes really are smart.

While her husband was off at work, she
decided that she would paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at
hand.

Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and was hit
by the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room and found
his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat..

He noticed she was wearing a heavy parka and
a leather jacket at the same time. He bent over and asked if she was OK.
She replied “Yes”.

He asked what she was doing and she replied that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting
the house..

He then asked
her why she had a parka over her leather jacket, and she replied
that she was reading the directions on the paint can
and it said..

(You'll love this...I know you will...)

"FOR BEST RESULTS,PUT ON TWO COATS."

[layback40]

The police knocked on my door this evening.
"Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer.
"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love."
"That's true," my wife shouted over, "but f@rk knows where he was at five past!!..

[layback40]

Archaeologists have just discovered an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher!!..

[layback40]

The Pope & George Pell are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
The Pope looks at George''s penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at George and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
George replies, 'It's working just fine. ..... I'm down to two butts a day!!..

[layback40]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

[layback40]

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied.

[layback40]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....
"Dopey f@rked a penguin! Dopey f@rked a penguin!!.