How tuff are Aussie blokes? - Page 793 - AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand


Go Back   AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand > GENERAL > Off Topic Chitchat


Portal Register Forums Trading Your Jeep New Garage Mark All Read

Post New Thread  Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  #7129  
Old 03-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your frickin' swing.".
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
  #7130  
Old 03-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My a** itches, and I can't scratch it!"
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Sponsored Posts
  #7131  
Old 03-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..

"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name.

Bad news is.. you only have six months to live..."

The man goes home and tells his wife.

After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.

So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins 200.

He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.

He then plays the national link and wins 20000.

Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive.

You win 200, all the bingo money and 20k national."

The man says "I have Yellow 42"

"F*** me" says the MC, "you've won the frickin' raffle as well"
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
  #7132  
Old 06-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

With the Christmas Festivities upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about Drinking Alcohol
and Driving after a "Social Event" with friends.

Last week, I was out at a Party with some friends & ex work colleagues.
I had a few Whiskeys followed by several Beers. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.
That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I took a Taxi home.

Sure enough, there was a Police road block on the high street but, since I was in a Taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a Taxi before.
I don't even know where I got it from and now that it's outside my house, I don't know what to do with it
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Sponsored Posts
  #7133  
Old 06-12-2016
rustynuts's Avatar
rustynuts  rustynuts is offline
Trail Twister
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sydney northern beaches
Posts: 1,829
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 2,424
Liked 840 Times in 479 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by layback40 View Post
With the Christmas Festivities upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about Drinking Alcohol
and Driving after a "Social Event" with friends.

Last week, I was out at a Party with some friends & ex work colleagues.
I had a few Whiskeys followed by several Beers. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.
That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I took a Taxi home.

Sure enough, there was a Police road block on the high street but, since I was in a Taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a Taxi before.
I don't even know where I got it from and now that it's outside my house, I don't know what to do with it
Thats Gold!
__________________
Go hard. You can rest when you die
"98 XJ. RE 3.5 inch lift. Dana 44. 4.11's. 32's
  #7134  
Old 07-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:

Dear Father Christmas,
I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday's it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.
Sincerely, Edna

My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear Father Christmas,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I'm sure we'll all have a very nice day and I've told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 missing. I think it must have been those fuckin' thieving bastards at the Royal Mail ...
Sincerely, Edna
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Sponsored Posts
  #7135  
Old 07-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking cigarette. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied.
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
  #7136  
Old 07-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."

Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week."
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
  #7137  
Old 07-12-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,472
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,695
Liked 6,107 Times in 4,038 Posts
Default

My mate wished me a Merry Christmas today. A bit early but he does suffer from premature congratulations
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Post New Thread  Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On


» Advertisements_AS2


Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.3



All times are GMT +10. The time now is 04:55 AM.




AJOR does not vouch for or warrant the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any message, and are not responsible for the contents of any message. The messages express the views of the author of the message, not necessarily the views of AJOR or any entity associated with AJOR, nor should any advice be substituted as technical advice replacing that of a mechanic. You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use AJOR to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, religious, political or otherwise violative of any law. You agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by AJOR. The owner, administrators and moderators of AJOR reserve the right to delete any message or members for any or no reason whatsoever. You remain solely responsible for the content of your messages, and you agree to indemnify and hold harmless AJOR, the administrators, moderators, and their agents with respect to any claim based upon transmission of your message(s). The use of profile signatures to intentionally mislead or misdirect any member on this forum is not acceptable and may result in your account being suspended. Any trip that is organised through the AJOR forum is participated at your own risk. If you or your vehicle is damaged it is your responsibility, not that of the person that posted the thread, message or topic initiating the trip, nor the organisers of AJOR or moderators of any specific forum. This forum and associated website is the property of AJOR.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

AJOR 2002 - 2019 AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM. All corporate trademarked names and logos are property of their respective owners. Ausjeepoffroad is in no way associated with DaimlerChrysler Corporation or Fiat Jeep.
www.ausjeep.com www.ausjeep.com.au www.midlifemate.com ausjeepforum.com Jeep Wrangler JL Australia release
vB Ad Management by =RedTyger=