How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[WhiteMeat]

One Tough Harley Guy

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illonois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they see a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, so they stopped

George, their leader, a big burley man of 53,gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper and say, "What are you doing"?

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So without hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that....and it was a long deep lingering kiss, followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, "WOW! that was the best kiss I have ever had Honey. That's a real talent you about to waste. You could be famous if you rode with me. "

"Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

Its still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[layback40]

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time. He went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his trousers and he would have a look.The midget dropped them. The doctor stood him up on the examining table, and started to examine him.



He put one finger under his left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" he said once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. To his amazement the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered they were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

The doctor replied : "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."

[layback40]

Roll call on the first day back at school in western Sydney.

The teacher begins calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son Al En” - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son Al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeats the call:
"Ali Son Al En…"

A girl stands up and says timidly: "Sorry, teacher. I think that might be me. But it's pronounced Alison Allen…"

[layback40]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)





If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)





A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)





A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)





Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)





The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)





The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)





Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)





Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)





The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)





Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)





A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)





An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)





Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)





Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)





Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[bruggz351]

This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.


Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
G.S.T.
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle Licence / Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Carbon Dioxide Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world. Mum stayed home to raise the kids, Dad and teachers were allowed to discipline kids.
A criminals life was uncomfortable.

Boat people were kids sailing on the harbour.

What the hell happened?
'Political Correctness', ‘Politicians or both?'

[bruggz351]

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were siting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my beer!!

Little bastards.

[Banshee]

Secret Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!