How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks:

"Laddie, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence..? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder..? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is..? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder..? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see..? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder..? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya f##k just ONE goat . . . "

[layback40]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[layback40]

Irish Fishing..............
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious visiting gentleman asked what he was doing.
“Fishing”, replied the old man.
Poor old fool, thought the gentlemen.
So, he decided he would invite the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked
“And, how many have you caught today?”
“You're the eighth!!..

[layback40]

Sleeping with a Thai hooker is a bit like playing a round of golf.
You're likely to come across a couple of balls that aren't yours!!..

[layback40]

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!!..

[layback40]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the f##kin end!...

[layback40]

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."